“Sometimes the strongest among us are the ones who smile through silent pain, cry behind closed doors, and fight battles nobody knows about.”
Hi Friends. It has been a while.
I started this blog as a place to write and free myself. But after my last post being so heavy, I thought I’d lighten it up with something as fluffy as my cat. Makeup, cooking, possibly really something about my cat… I don’t know. Something. Anything.
But I just couldn’t get myself to. My mind wasn’t in the right place to try and lie and make something out of my life, that it was not at the time. And actually… I haven’t been in a good place for a while…
I guess that is where I’ll queue in the next story.
The Road to
Rummy Forgiving Myself
If you’ve known me for a while, I am almost ALWAYS smiling. I always try to be as positive as I can be. In fact, all I’ve ever wanted to be was a good person. I hold the door open for everyone, I thank everyone almost excessively, I apologize when maybe an apology isn’t even necessary. Or maybe when an apology isn’t even deserved. I’ve always wanted to light the fire inside of everyone else, and show them the joy, beauty, purity, and innocence I saw in life.
But you see, I’ve tried to light so many candles… that I burnt out my own flame in the process.
My entire life I lit too many other candles, watching the wax drip off of mine. I ignored my needs, for the sake of keeping peace everywhere else. For trying to show everyone, that maybe life wasn’t as bad as people thought. I didn’t know what else to do though, but sacrifice my whole self.
I just wanted to be loved. I just wanted to be accepted. I just wanted to be happy.
I just wanted to smile.
And I wanted everyone else to do and feel the same way.
But now I’ve found myself in a place where all of the wax has dripped away. My fuse completely burnt out. And honestly, I don’t know what I am left with anymore. Sometimes I think every one has drained me. And maybe that is true. But often I wonder if I just drained myself.
So enough of the vague… I am just going to dive right in with rest of it, and I hope it goes well. And I say all of what is coming next in hopes that I may be able to help someone else. That maybe someone else will relate, find their voice and courage as well.
*Sigh of relief*
I’ve been waiting so painfully long for years to say that to someone. I’ve held it inside of myself longer than I could bear. I didn’t want a soul to know that I carried so much pain inside of myself. And I just didn’t and couldn’t understand why it happened to me. I couldn’t make any sense of it even if I tried. And if I couldn’t make any sense of it, I didn’t want others to make me feel more guilty and shameful than I already did.
So I blamed myself for years. If my mind couldn’t explain how someone could do this to me, then it must’ve been my own fault. And had this been anyone but myself, I know I would’ve asked them to give themselves Grace repeatedly. But for some reason, unbeknownst to me, I couldn’t allow myself to not feel guilty.
Maybe I had been too friendly. Maybe I did smile too much. Maybe I said something the wrong way. Maybe… maybe.. I asked for it.
And I know I didn’t.
But try and rationalize with a victim of abuse, and all you get to is a wall over and over again. Nothing but the same questions and same results.
The same pain. Over and over again.
I’ve always tried to be a good person. But why, why on earth would someone do this to me?
And my mind hasn’t been able to make sense of it to this day. All I’m left with is bits and pieces of myself.
And I so badly need to make sense, so that I can stop blaming me. But I know I’ll never get the closure I yearn for, from the person or people that I need it from.
So I need help. I need to learn to forgive myself. I need to learn to stop bullying myself for those things that happened to me and those people that hurt me.
I need to learn that it was NOT my fault.
I am NOT who those people made me out to be.
And I can’t do it on my own anymore. The therapy that I’ve been getting here and there, just isn’t cutting it. I don’t know how else to handle my thoughts, and all of the mess that is making up my head right now.
So friends, here I am, and here is where I have been hiding for a while… I was officially diagnosed with PTSD from the above incident, Complex-PTSD from a difficult upbringing, Bi-Polar II Disorder that is genetic, Depression (a combination of what I’ve dealt with my whole life, and a part that showed its face worse after giving birth twice), and Anxiety. And I don’t know how to handle the weight of all of my burdens and pain anymore. And where to go after finding out all of these diagnoses. It’s crushing and crippling me and affecting every aspect of my life.
So I’m going to give myself a break. One that I’ve needed far too long.
I’m checking into a voluntary mental health treatment center. And I start in 2 weeks.
I’m scared. I’m anxious. I’m nervous, and I’m sad. And I feel oh so GUILTY leaving my beautiful kids, and amazing husband behind to do this.
But for the first time in so long, I also feel and see HOPE.
Hope that I’ll learn to stop being my worst enemy. Hope that I’ll learn to finally cope instead of hurting quietly inside of myself. Hope that I’ll be the wife my amazing husband/best friend deserves, and the lively mother my children need.
I have hope that I’ll want to love myself for the first time in a long time.
And most of all, I have hope that I’ll finally learn to forgive myself.
And in doing so, I will finally set myself FREE.
So friends, all I ask for from you, is love. I need to be reminded that I have a purpose, until I know and understand my purpose for myself. I’ve got two weeks to go, and I’ll be gone for roughly 20 days. And when I come back, I will God willingly be the ME I have dreamt of being my whole life.
Thank you for supporting me. For following my journey. For cheering me on. I promise I will repay each one of you with the same kindness you have shown me.
See you on the other side. ❤
(P.S To my dear husband, Devon… Thank you.
From the deepest depths of my soul, I can’t explain how thankful and grateful I am for you. Thank you for being the best husband, my best friend, my confidante. For wiping my tears, holding me at every hour of the night. Standing up for me. Standing beside me. For being my everything and holding me and our family strong when I was at my weakest. You are a God given gift to me. And I love you more than you will ever understand. I hope you know that. <3)